Dear Nerf Super Soaker.,

Dear Super Soaker, what happened to you? Oh, I know. Nerf happened. Before you were the Nerf Super Soaker, back when you were under Larami, you were perfect. Then, in the divorce you were acquired by Nerf.  I don’t know if you got depressed, or what. Maybe you blamed yourself for the breakup. Maybe you wanted Larami to get custody instead? I’m not sure what the problem is, but you’ve got to get it together. Nerf Super Soaker, it is not your fault, okay? Hasbro and Larami just didn’t love each other anymore, but it’s no ones fault but theirs. So I’m going to need you to get it together, do you hear me?

Nerf Super Soaker History.

In 1989, the same year the Nerf Blast-A-Ball was released, the Super Soaker was being discovered by Larami. At the New York Toy Fair, inventor Lonnie Johnson was on the show floor trying to find backers for his latest invention, a prototype for a revolutionary pressurized water gun. Johnson was getting shot down repeatedly and rejected until he stumbled into the Larami booth. The rest is, as they say, history. Within a year, the first Super Soaker, known then as the Power Drencher, was on store shelves. By 1991, after a successful television ad campaign, the Super Soaker blew up and was outselling every other water gun available. Fast forward a few years. The year is 1995. And what do you know? Super Soaker is bringing in 100 million dollars a year for Larami. Noticing a ripple in toy gun profit margins, like the insatiable beast it is, Hungry Hungry Hasbro comes along and gobbles Larami up whole. Hasbro eventually chews and digests Larami completely and they are nothing more than expelled flatulence in the air. The Super Soaker line is then fully incorporated into the Nerf lineup. Just like that, the onset of the Nerf Super Soaker legacy is borne into existence. What could go wrong, right?

Nerf Super Soaker: The Problem vs The Soaker.

So Nerf assimilates Super Soaker. What’s the problem? It’s a little case of form over function. Because as we all know, beauty is nothing without brains. Look at the Nerf Super Soakers. They look awesome. They have taken on the “tacticool” look of their dart blaster cousins. They feature Clip Systems, they are more realistically modeled, some are piston powered and others are electric. Electric water guns? That sounds dangerous, doesn’t it? But I digress. There’s nothing really wrong with the Nerf Super Soaker water guns of today. No one would probably know any better, if it wasn’t for the fact that the original Super Soaker existed. Not only did it exist but the original Super Soakers were awesome. The original Super Soaker water guns didn’t use any fancy pistons, they also didn’t require any expensive batteries. Instead, they relied on something relatively simple: Air Pressure. This is an example of perfection in simplicity. The old Super Soaker water guns used pressurized reservoir systems where pumped air was highly compressed inside of the reservoir. Later blasters used a more advanced air pressure system called Constant Pressure System that was even more powerful. The Super Soaker CPS 2000 is still the most powerfully amazing water gun ever manufactured. There’s no way any current Nerf Super Soaker is messing with that record, either. The new water blasters just can’t compete. In comparison, they are weak and pathetic. They shoot out puny streams of water that don’t even reach 20 feet most of the time. Another gripe I have with the new Super Soakers is that you have to either use the electric ones, or you are constantly having to pump the water blaster to shoot the thing. After pumping them up initially, the CPS Super Soakers could fire a bunch of shots before you had to pump them again. When you fired them, a huge powerful stream of water came out. It’d drench your opponents as they were running away or cowering in fear with their silly water balloons. Disappointing all around, new Nerf Super Soaker.

Nerf Super Soaker Options Today.

Still considering buying a Nerf Super Soaker? Well, it is hard to beat a good water fight on hot summer days. And to have a really good water fight, you need water guns, right? There’s no way around that. So let’s look at some of the better Nerf Super Soaker offerings of today.

First up, let’s take a look at the more traditional water guns from Nerf. These blasters have hollow bodies that you pour the water into. They all operate on a pump-action piston powered method of firing. These are the least Nerf-like blasters.:

• Nerf Super Soaker Tri Strike Crossbow.: A Nerf water gun crossbow, that’s crossing a lot of styles there, isn’t it? This blaster has a cool feature that makes full use of the crossbow arms. It can shoot three streams of water, one from the muzzle and another stream from the middle of each of the bow arms.
• Nerf Super Soaker FreezeFire Blaster.: This is a pistol type blaster with a large opening and wider body to hold the ice cubes they suggest adding to the mix. Turn all your friends into popsicles with the FreezeFire this summer.
• Nerf Super Soaker ScatterBlast.: This is a small sawed-off shotgun looking water gun. It shoots like a shotgun, too, with it’s spread of 5 simultaneous streams of water. Pick up this small water shotty today.

Next, let’s take a look at some blasters that fit in with the Nerf lineup more easily. These blasters use water clips. Yes, they are clip system water blasters. They also have tactical rails and stock attachment points. Tacticool, fool. They operate with the same piston pump mechanic as the other water guns above.

• Nerf Super Soaker Switch Shot.: This is a very solid little blaster. I really like the design of this gun. It also comes with a really solid stock, that you can detach and use with your regular Nerf blasters. It also uses banana clips. Yes, and they sell these banana clips separately. Cool! This blaster gets the name from having a nozzle that you can manually rotate to enter into different firing modes. Think of your garden hose nozzle or a shower head.
• Nerf Super Soaker Tornado Strike.: Another very cool looking Nerf water blaster here. This one comes with a really great shoulder stock that looks just like the old Raider stock. This gun gets its name from the way it fires. When you pump this blaster, the nozzle spins. This allows you to shoot a spinning water stream from the 2 holes on the nozzle to drench your opponents. This blaster comes with a straight clip.
• Nerf Super Soaker Arctic Shock.: This blaster resembles a smaller, cut-down Switch Shot, but with no trick nozzle. Instead, this water blaster features a wide “Ice Drum” to store your water and a bunch of ice cubes. Give your frenemies the chills with the Arctic Shock ice water blaster today.

Now we risk electrocution! and take a look at the battery-operated, automatic Nerf Super Soaker water guns. I’m kidding, there is a sealed compartment with o-rings to keep water out of where the electric parts are. These blasters continue the tacticool trend with tactical rails, attachments and accessories. They are also water clip system blasters. Pop in a few batteries and try not to turn into Jamie Foxx and let’s go.

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  Nerf Super Soaker ThunderStorm.: These little sub machine gun water blasters really got that SMG look down pat. They look pretty cool and they are clip fed, which is always a bonus. This blaster also features a stock attachment point. Outside of looks, though, there isn’t much else to look at. This blaster suffers from mediocre performance. It’s pretty cheap, though, so it wouldn’t be a total loss to try this gun out.
• Nerf Super Soaker LightningStorm.: This gun looks almost exactly like the Thunderstorm. The only difference is that it features a great shoulder stock, a shield attachment, and a water drum instead of a clip. The stock is very similar to the Switch Shot stock. Unfortunately, it doesn’t only look like it’s brethren blaster, but it performs like it, too. Subpar performance makes this blaster hard to recommend. Pick it up if you like the shield, or if you want the great stock.
• Nerf Super Soaker ElectroStorm.: Wasn’t I just talking about Electro? Anyway. They really like the Storm theme for their motorized water blasters, don’t they? The Electro Storm is a tiny little backup water pistol. It makes a great backup weapon when your main blaster is out of water. (Which shouldn’t happen, because you bought extra clips. I mean right?) Pick up this gun now and get to electrifying.

Throwback Bonus Round! This next water blaster is proof that the old style of Super Soaker can still be relevant and effective today. C’mon, Nerf!

• Nerf Super Soaker Hydro Cannon.: Look at this thing, it’s a beast! It looks like an AT4 rocket launcher. Brings back MW2 memories, for sure. Haha. Not only does this thing look intimidating, but the way it fires is pretty intimidating, too. You can feel an actual recoil as this blaster shoots out a jet stream of water. And that’s it. You pull the huge trigger, it sends a huge gush of water. Then you pump it up and repeat the process. This blaster is frequently sold out, so whenever you do find it sub $50, buy it without hesitation.

Nerf Super Soaker Accessories.

If you do decide to go on the new Nerf Super Soaker journey, you’ll need a few accessories. If you notice, most of these water guns use clips. Those clips don’t usually hold a lot of water, either. Luckily, Nerf has made extra clips readily available and for a decent price, too.
They make regular clips, banana clips, and even the drums. But all of that pales in comparison to this next beaut. Check out the Nerf Super Soaker Hydro Pack! The Hydro Pack is a wearable hydration pack, only this time you won’t be hydrating yourself. Prepare to quench your enemies thirst with 100 ounces of water fed right into your clip system water blasters.

Nerf Super Soaker Open Letter.

To Nerf, I’m writing you a four page letter. This goes out to you. This goes out to you, and you, and you, and you. To all the Nerf fans out there, all the Super Soaker fans out there. To all the old school fans who remember what these products were like back in the good old days. To everyone who remembers running around with one of the original Super Soakers or one of the CPS series guns. Let’s bring that back, Nerf. You got sole custody of Super Soaker, but you’re letting her down. You’re not providing for her the best you could. You are not nurturing her and molding her into what she deserves to be. So let’s bring back some more air pressurized water guns. Let’s bring back some constant pressure water blasters. What do you say, Nerf?